Quiz: Am I Manipulative?

Manipulation… This word evokes unpleasant associations for many. We imagine a cunning and devious person who deftly pulls the strings, making others dance to their tune. But is it really that clear-cut? Could there be a manipulator living inside each of us? Let’s figure this out together with our quiz!

What Is Manipulation?

Manipulation is a hidden psychological influence on a person with the aim of making them act in the interests of the manipulator. It’s a kind of play on the feelings and emotions of another person that allows you to achieve your goals without regard for the desires and needs of the other.

The concept of “manipulation” comes from the Latin word “manus” – hand. Figuratively, it means “to take possession”, “to control”. This term was first used in psychology in the mid-20th century. One of the first to use it was the famous psychologist Erich Fromm in his book “Escape from Freedom”, describing the mechanisms of totalitarian regimes.  

Since then, the topic of manipulation has been actively researched in psychology, sociology, political science, advertising, and many other fields. Hundreds of scientific papers and popular books are devoted to it. Some of the most famous ones: “Games People Play” by Eric Berne, “Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion” by Robert Cialdini, “Psychology of Manipulation” by E.L. Dotsenko, and others.

Manipulators often use techniques such as flattery, guilt tripping, deception, intimidation, and many others. They skillfully find the weak spots of their victim and push on them to get what they want. At the same time, they masterfully mask their true intentions and present everything as if they are acting out of the best motives or even in the interests of their victim.

5 Signs That You Are a Manipulator

When creating the quiz, we relied on these main signs:

1. You often use phrases like “if you love me, you’ll do this”, “you owe me”, “I’m trying so hard for you”, etc. Such statements are clear markers of manipulation, because they ignore the feelings and desires of the other person and place your needs above all else.
2. You tend to exaggerate your problems and misfortunes in order to evoke pity and sympathy. “My life is so hard, I feel so bad, no one understands me.” Sound familiar? Manipulators often use such complaints to get help, support, or leniency from others.
3. You often get offended and let the person know that they upset you, even though that’s not really the case. “Now look, you’ve upset me again”, “You’ve ruined my mood”. Manipulators are masters of playing on guilt. They make others believe that they are constantly at fault.
4. You don’t take no for an answer and always get your way by any means necessary. For you, “no” doesn’t mean “no”. You keep pushing, persuading, begging until you get what you want. You don’t respect other people’s boundaries and don’t consider their wishes.
5. You rarely talk about your true feelings and intentions, preferring to act covertly. You don’t ask directly, but hint. You don’t say “I’m angry”, but make sarcastic jokes. Manipulators are often afraid to openly express their emotions and needs, so they resort to indirect methods of influence.

Moreover, deep down manipulators often feel insecure and even worthless. It seems to them that they won’t be able to get what they want in a direct and honest way, so they choose devious and dishonest paths. Behind the outward confidence and pressure, there is often a sense of inferiority, fears and complexes.

Many manipulators come from dysfunctional families where it was not accepted to openly express one’s feelings and needs. Since childhood, they got used to getting their way through roundabout ways, maneuvering between the desire to please and the fear of being rejected. In adulthood, they continue to use the same childish strategies without even realizing it.

Manipulation Techniques

The arsenal of manipulators is extremely wide and diverse. Conventionally, all their techniques can be divided into “soft” and “hard”, although there is no clear boundary between them, and they are often used together.

“Soft” manipulations include:

• Flattery and compliments. The manipulator showers with praise in order to lull the “victim’s” vigilance and win them over.
• Playing on feelings. They appeal to pity, compassion, a sense of duty or guilt, hoping for an emotional response.
• Pretending to be weak and helpless. By demonstrating their frailty and vulnerability, the manipulator kind of asks for help and protection.  
• Appealing to authority. They cite respected people or generally accepted norms as an example to give weight to their words.

This kind of manipulator acts gently and delicately. They kind of ask for a favor, appeal to your kindness and generosity. It’s very difficult to refuse them, because they are so nice and courteous, and their requests seem so insignificant.

“Hard” manipulations are already overt pressure and aggression:

• Blackmail and threats. The manipulator directly talks about the unpleasant consequences that await the “victim” in case of disobedience.
• Shouting, insults, accusations. Talking in a raised voice is designed to suppress resistance and induce guilt.
• Ignoring, boycotting, “indefinite silence”. This is how the manipulator punishes their “victim” for being stubborn and uncompromising. 
• Sudden mood swings. Tantrums, tears, or fits of rage make you confused and concede.

The hard manipulator no longer needs to pretend and weasel. They openly state their demands and are not shy about the means. It is extremely difficult to resist such pressure – it is easier to give in than to continue the fight.

Often, several techniques are used at once, smoothly flowing into one another. For example, the manipulator may first tearfully beg and plead, and in case of refusal, move on to reproaches and threats. Or conversely, first they yell and accuse, and then “turn on” the resentment and play out a performance called “Nobody loves me, I’m an unhappy person.” The goal is always the same – to put the other person in an awkward position and force them to obey.

Is Manipulation Good or Bad?

There is no definite answer to this question. On the one hand, manipulation is an unethical and improper way to achieve one’s goals at the expense of other people. The manipulator always puts their interests above others’ and disregards the feelings and needs of those around them. They treat people as objects, as means to achieve their ends. This can deeply hurt and even traumatize the “victim”, undermine their self-belief and faith in the sincerity of human relationships.

People who have been subjected to manipulation often feel resentment, anger, disappointment, powerlessness. They may begin to doubt themselves, feel shame and guilt for their own “stupidity” and “weakness”. Dependent, insecure personalities who don’t know how to defend their boundaries suffer the most. They are ideal victims for manipulators.  

In addition, manipulators often shift the responsibility for their actions and their consequences onto others. They don’t know how and don’t want to be accountable for themselves, preferring to look for someone to blame on the side. This is an infantile and immature attitude to life that hinders personal growth and the development of relationships.

On the other hand, there is a manipulator in each of us, and we all sometimes manipulate each other to some degree. This is a normal part of human nature and communication. Sometimes manipulation is even for the good – for example, when parents jokingly “blackmail” a child to get them to eat or get dressed, or friends “lure” you to have fun and take your mind off problems. Without elements of manipulation, neither upbringing, nor diplomacy, nor advertising, nor thousands of other spheres of human activity would be possible.

The question is whether manipulation is the main and only way of interacting with the world. A healthy person resorts to it only occasionally, in special cases, when it is really necessary. The rest of the time, they prefer direct and open communication, are not afraid to talk about their true feelings and desires, and respect themselves and others. A pathological manipulator, on the other hand, is constantly weaving intrigues, lying and wriggling, because they don’t know how to do it differently.

Thus, manipulation itself is not yet evil. It is important to understand its true motives and consequences, to be able to stop in time and ask yourself if you are crossing the line. And of course, you need to learn to recognize other people’s manipulations and resist them, not allowing yourself to be bullied.

How to Stop Being a Manipulator?

The first step towards getting rid of manipulative habits is to recognize the problem. If you have noticed alarming “red flags” in your behavior, if you are often accused of manipulation, or if you yourself feel that you are acting dishonestly, it is probably time to change.

Here are some practical tips to help you with this:

1. Learn to speak directly about your desires and needs. Don’t be afraid to openly ask for what you need. But also be prepared for rejection. Remember that other people also have the right to their own desires and feelings.
2. Develop empathy, learn to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Before doing something, think about how it will affect others, what feelings it will evoke. Understand that you are not the center of the universe, and your wishes should not be taken into account more than the wishes of others.
3. Work on your self-esteem. Your worth does not depend on whether people agree with you or not, whether they fulfill your requests or refuse. You have the right to your desires and feelings, but others also have the right not to share them. This does not make you better or worse.
4. Look for constructive ways to achieve goals and resolve conflicts. Manipulation only gives a temporary and flimsy result. Real success comes from honest dialogue and a joint search for solutions that take into account the interests of all parties. Learn to negotiate, make compromises, concede and find alternatives.
5. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. If you feel that you cannot cope with manipulation on your own, make an appointment with a psychologist. A specialist will help you understand the true reasons for your behavior, realize your fears and complexes, and find healthier ways of interacting with the world.

We hope that our quiz and this article will help you better understand yourself and your behavior, see areas for growth and points of effort. Each of us has the power to become a little better, a little more conscious and a little kinder – both towards others and towards ourselves. Remember that a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Take it today!